| Annoyed |
[Mar. 3rd, 2008|10:07 pm] |
Maybe I'm getting PMS or perhaps I spent too much of the day being really caffienated and hungry but for one reason or another, I've been feeling really annoyed tonight. There wasn't really any one particular thing that triggered it but I've just beeing feeling dissatisfied with certain people and aspects in my life right now.
I'm generally a positive and happy person, or at least I try to be, but there are times when I just get mad at everything and everyone---I suppose tonight is just one of those nights. |
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| The working world and instant gratifciation |
[Feb. 28th, 2008|11:28 am] |
Have been temping a lot more lately now that my agency deems me as one of their "star temps" so I've been getting more steady assignments. Income is good but I'm getting more and more restless to get a steady full-time job. Every time I go on a new temp assignment it's kind of nice meeting new people and seeing how different industries operate but really, it'd be great to really have a cubicle of my own soon and to not be labeled as the "temp" aka "hired office bitch" everywhere I go.
Now I know how Ryan, "the temp", on The Office feels.
In other news, I'm feeling more and more inspired to take up photography as my new hobby. I've always dabbled in the arts either creating or perusing but I think it's time to exercise my creative side again. I never really got formally trained in anything and I know I possess a crafty and artistic streak but I lack the patience and inpiration to really hone my skills in painting and drawing. As I get older, I'm starting to realize how impatient I am and while photography is expensive, digital SLRs allow me to create art and show others how I see the world through images I choose to hightlight.
I also discovered this "new" magazine called JPEG. It's basically a website and publication made by and for photographers and wannabe photographers who enjoy creating and sharing images. It's a really cool concept and I can't wait to start doing that. If only I didn't leave my camera's manual back in California.
Oh San Francisco. I think I'm gonna go back and try a living stint out there. I'm not quite done with NYC yet and it hasn't been 8 months yet (which according to my sister is the magical amount of time it takes to settle into this city) but the concrete jungle and dreary gray weather does take a toll on my mood.
I'm not sure where I am on this rollercoaster of life anymore. I'm not at a high and I'm no longer on a low. I'm gradually just cruising along...I suppose just a little bored with the monotous of my life. No real drama to stress myself out about other than the whole job hunting business. The boy front is pretty drab with no real new exciting prospects to speak of...always on the look out but really, I'm not really anxious or desperate for a romantic companion.
Okay, well, it's almost 12 and I still haven't left for "work" yet. Better get going before I get stuck in my apartment. |
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| Boys and Girls |
[Feb. 25th, 2008|12:38 am] |
Is it really true that boys and girls can never really be "just friends"?
I tend to agree with this statement more and more as time goes by... |
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| Hey there Delilah |
[Feb. 16th, 2008|01:01 pm] |
Everytime I hear that song by the Plain White T's I think of him and what was supposed to happen when I went on this journey to New York. I was supposed to be the Delilah and he was supposed to be my musician boyfriend who lived 3000 miles away....
Le Sigh...
But the fact that i can now listen to the song without feeling sad or angry is another sign that i'm slowly yet surely moving on and letting go to what once was, but is no longer. I don't want to be with him yet i miss him now and it still hurts knowing that it'll be quite some time before we can ever talk again. I think we are both in happier places after the last several months of back and forth emotional turmoil.
One thing is for sure, I'm definitely not getting into anything serious for quite some time...years even. I want my next serious relationship to be serious. No more testing the waters- this is my chance!
Dating has been interesting. I don't like dating even with all the perks of free meals and excursions. Too many awkward silences and conversation lulls, especially now that we're all in the "working" world with few things to make life that exciting to talk about.
How's work?
Good.
What'd you do last night?
Go home, eat, and crash in front of the tv.
Cool.
Yup.
Haha..Okay, maybe I've never had that conversation happen to me but it definitely is plausible. The whole process of getting to know someone else takes time and patience...the later of which I lack as a virtue. When I went speeddating recently, the first guy I talked to seemed really awkward and nervous and what made it even weirder was when the first question he asked me was "So, what are you passionate about?"
Granted, that question is not a bad question to ask a date. However, what was weird was how he said it and how there were no introductory background questions to gradually ease up into such a meaty and loaded question. No "so what do you do?" or "what do you do for fun?" To make it even worse, it didn't really seem like it was a genuine question. It felt like he had a list of dating conversation topics and that was the first one on his list. Sad to see so many awkward people trying to find mates.
Hopefully, at the end of the day, I will not be one of the ones left without a matching pair. |
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| Selling out to the corporate world |
[Jan. 28th, 2008|09:55 pm] |
I went on my first temp gig tonight and it was a pretty interesting and eye opening expereince.
I basically dressed up, went to some fancy hotel in Times Square, and did registration for a couple of hours for this fancy, schmancy awards event for the hospitality/PR/marketing/advertising industry. After coming out of that job, I'm more sure than ever that I will never ever sell my soul to the corporate devil. I just don't have the heart for it, even though the idea of having all that money, power, and influence can be intriguing and tempting at times.
Maybe it was the New York attitude combined with the crustiness of the wealthy upper class that really annoyed me. Maybe it was the old white people in their furs and fancy designer clothes that got to me. Or perhaps, it was the high pitched shrills they let out whenever they saw an acquaintence they recognized.
It was interesting people watching them tonight and overhearing their conversations...mentionings of famous friends, fancy vacations, and effortless jobs. Who really complains about work when you have oodles and oodles of money and power? Granted, I'm sure some of them worked hard to get up there but I'm sure a lot of them didn't come from disadvantaged backgrounds either. By the way, where were all the people of color at? It goes to show, that there is still a lack of diversity when it comes to many sectors of the corporate world and that is why people of color are at still at a disadvantage at times. Maybe it's not a glass ceiling that we are facing, but it's certainly an obstacle.
Another interesting thing I witnessed tonight was how sex appeal and flirting really plays a role in helping people move ahead. I was sitting next to this 3rd year, NYU student who was volunteering at the event for the night. She was wearing a cute black dress that tastefully, yet seductively showed off her skinny figure and I ain't gonna lie, she was the typical cute young college girl. Along comes this older guy that turned out to be the owner of the event planning company that was putting on the awards dinner...Conversation started between the two of them as I awkwardly sat next to her and listened to every word of their flirtatious banter. Flirt-banter -flirt-banter and they exchange cards. He invites her to come work/intern for his business and she accepts his business card.
Man, if only things came so easily for us regular folks.
I mean, there were other things about her that came up in the conversation that makes me assume she's had an easier life than many. She hails from Newport Beach, CA and has generous parents that are willing to pay her way through college and put her up in fancy hotels in Gramercy (when she first moved to NYC). She is also able to intern at any place she wants without the worry of money becuase, essentially, she doesn't need the money.
I don't know her so I shouldn't judge her. I admit that she seemed nice.
Anyhow, that was my evening. A glimpse into that side of the corporate world and it was interesting indeed.
Conclusion: Must find job in the educational-non-profit sector lest lose I my soul to the devil and sell out for money and furs. Not. |
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| New York City in January... |
[Jan. 28th, 2008|12:30 pm] |
The sun may be shining, kids, but the wind chill factor is COLD like a mo'fo'...Not conducive for running around without gloves on...which is what I left at home today =(
Mood status: Slow and steady |
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| And so it begins.... |
[Jan. 17th, 2008|11:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
It's January 2008 and I find myself at a pivotal moment in my life...
- 25 years young/old
- recently got out of a 3 year relationship
- living in New York City
- jobless
...
So here it is, for the first time in my life since the age of 4, I'm officially back in the real world without the comfort of academia to act as my safety net against the harh realities of, well, reality. Moving to NYC was a decision I dreaded making but I knew that it was something I had to do. I wanted to run away from it all and challenge myself in ways that I never had before.
Last year, I toyed with all kinds of post-graduation possibilities and pathways in my head. Doctoral programs, gap year, roadtripping across America in a used camper...I traded all those fantasies up for a dose of reality.
As I sit here in my tiny NYC apartment on Wall Street where I live in a glorified shoebox of a room that has no windows, I wonder if this is what I had imagined this experience to be like. Even though I hate change, I have always been the type of person to look for it...whether it be with a partner, friends, or just geography, I always look for new opportunities to see and experience new things and meet new people. Comfort is comforting but I want more...But what exactly is more?
I look around me and it's such a weird time in my life. I have people that are still clinging on to their college relationships because it's safe and secure...no matter how flawed it may be. Do I pity them? Maybe at times, but not really. Who am I to judge after all. Then I see people who are still reveling in their twenties, sleeping and partying it up like there's no tomorrow. Others are happily in love and in steady relationships, trading in their clubbing days for quiet nights at home. Then there are people like me. Single, confused, and searching...searching for themselves, searching for others, just searching.
It's funny. I like to ask questions but I hate waiting for the answers. That's why I never finish books...I like to start them but I have a real hard time not skipping right to the end when I'm halfway into it. Forget the suspense and the plot, I just like to find out what happens in the end. They say patience is a virtue but I just don't have it...yet.
le sigh.
So here's how I see it. My time in New York is my own period of self-inflicted hibernation and reflection time. No one knows if I'm home on a Friday or Saturday night and no one really cares. I have friends out here-- albeit not the closest bunch-- but I have people I can call up if I really am feeling bored or lonely. But isolation is good in a way. Now that I'm really outside of a relationship, it's just me again. No one telling me what I can or cannot do and that sense of liberation and independence is powerful and scary at the same time.
I know I have the option of going back home to California if things don't really work out but I haven't given up hope yet. New York is a tricky and challenging city to live in. A city full of transients, wannabees, and loners. There's so much all around you yet it's hard to find a clear path of where exactly it is that you want to go to.
One of the most interesting activities to do in New York is go people watching on the subway. I take the subway all the time and unlike most others who have ipods or some other kind of listening device stuck in their ears, I don't. So I stand, or sit. I look around me and I wonder...
What are these people thinking about?
It's as if people try their hardest to tune everyone else out. People become desensitized and it's a really weird thing to watch day after day. You can oftentimes spot the tourists or out of towners...They always seem to be more talkative, curious, and observant of their surroundings.
This city makes people hard...maybe just on the outside, but I think on the inside too.
Scary ain't it? |
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| I feel... |
[Aug. 21st, 2007|07:30 pm] |
Like a panic attack is impending...
very
very
soon.
In less than 2 weeks, I will be on my own in New York City.
No "real" job, no apartment, no boyfriend =(
Why am I going again? |
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| Coming to a conclusion |
[Aug. 10th, 2007|12:40 am] |
After some reflection and thought I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I do not want to pursue a doctorate...at least not right now. Most of my experiences thus far have relied on my academic career and it's sad to say that I've been alive for 25 years and I don't know how the world works outside of an academic calendar. I've been enjoying my last few weeks of "vacation" (technically my unemployment period since I have no more school to go back to) since my graduation in May and I still have a hard time coping with the fact that there will be no more school or long summer vacations to look forward to after this.
Now that I'm coming to terms with my decision to pursue a life other than academia and research, it's been even harder figuring out what exactly I want to do next. So far, I've accepted a position with City Year in New York. It's a nice predictable path that will only last 10 months but after that, what next? Oh yeah...the "pay" sucks because technically I will only making a living stipend and perhaps dipping in to my savings...sigh. So, facing that situation, I've also been looking at other jobs and career fields to see if there's anything that catches my eye. The problem with never having had a real job is that I'm not sure what I can handle based on the job descriptions. After all, I don't want to get a job that I'll end up sinking and drowning in all the time, right?
Another unforseen fear that I have are the plausible need to take out my piercings in the next future. It's a silly to worry about and though I'm not really worried about it that much at all, it will be sad to let go of my beloved tongue and nose rings. I always knew that I might eventually have to let them go but we've been together for so long, I just want to hold onto them as long as possible.
Summer is nice...it's a time where even though the days go by fast, you can take the time to enjoy it slowly. I feel like I'm warming up again...not sure what happened in the last two years I was in grad school. Maybe I did end up at the wrong school or in the wrong field but for some reason, I feel that a part of me got very, very lost while I was in there.
Today I wore my blacklava shirt that has "I will not love you long time" printed on the front, across my bust. I loved catching the quiet whispers and glances I got from passerbys as I walked around IKEA. I think people are always either confused, offended, or appreciative of my shirt but it's always hard to tell who really understands the meaning of the words. I love how I can make some people thing by just wearing this shirt....go ryan suda and his blacklava shirts!
Then as I walked back to my car, it dawned on me that I no longer am the Angry Asian American womyn I was when I first graduated from Berkeley. I don't want to let that passion and drive die but I'll admit that it has certainly weakened since graduating from college.
Pursue.Connect.Do. |
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| where's my cheese? |
[Sep. 13th, 2006|09:24 pm] |
Has anyone ever read "who moved my cheese?"
It's a pretty interesting book. I didn't really learn anything new but it definitely makes you think about where you are in life and what kind of person you are. It's a short read and I have a copy of the book (pages smell like smoke though because it was sitting in my parents room for the longest time). It'll take you about an hour or less to read unless you are lame like me. I think I'm kinda like Scurry and Hem.
Okay, that's it for now. Back to Project Runway for now~ |
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| Friends |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|12:04 am] |
Amigos and Amigas are great!
I'm glad to know that I have at least a handful of friends that I can always count on...or at least whine to about my everyday problems. The thing that really sucks about post-college life though is the proximity of these friends...Ah well, I can still afford to pay the gas prices...for now at least. And unlike college, I'm a lot busier now and have a lot less time to just "hang out" with people. I actually have to have a calendar and schedule dinners and hang out sessions with people! What is up with that?!?!?!? I heart Berkeley...and I miss spontaneity.
Must write 6- 10 pages of my position on a the whole California High School exit exams situation. Any thoughts, people? Don't know if anyone reads this thing but I figure it never hurts to ask =) |
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| Contentment makes me itchy |
[Jul. 20th, 2006|11:41 pm] |
Life's content for now and it makes me want to stir everything up in my life.
I just got off the phone with my friend who just decided to move to London after coming back from Southeast Asian for three weeks. She just had an epiphany and realized she was too young to settle in SF. She's moving abroad to london, then maybe to spain for a year, and then teaching in Vietnam perhaps...Life for her is so unpredictable and mine is so....not that right now.
Whatever happened to my roaring twenties? The crazy stories? The reckless abandon of real-life?
Hmmm...time again, to think about where I'm goig these days... |
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| Breakups and Makeups |
[Jun. 23rd, 2006|01:10 am] |
Summer time.
A time of either breakups and makeups.
Which one will it be for me?
I'm still trying to figure that one out... |
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| summer makes my brain go mush... |
[Jun. 14th, 2006|10:37 pm] |
As much as I wanted summer to come just a few short weeks ago, already I am getting really sick of the slow pace and monotony that consumes my days. Perhaps I'm not given enough at work or maybe I'm just feeling really unmotivated to do work that I should be doing....In any case, I feel like this long-period of inactivity is making my brain turn into mush.
I've got nothing to say these days even though I would love to engage in a passionate discussion or argument...Not feeling really motivated to strike up intelligent conversation at random.
By the way...not that I haven't noticed before but I REALLY hate how this world is so dependent on computers these days. Can you imagine life as you know it, without the aide of computers or the internet? Welcome back to handcramps and calluses! Handwriting or typewriting pages and pages of your term paper! Let hell break loose and whip out those yellow legal pads!
Soooo....I think I should read but I've come to the conclusion that I'm not much of a reader. I kinda get sleepy when I read and I just end up falling asleep after ten minutes of "pretending" to read.
Hmmmm...
What to do to prevent my brain from turning mushy?... |
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| LA really is La-la Land |
[Jun. 12th, 2006|12:47 am] |
Los Angeles.
It's amazing how many people end up in this city despite their plans to live abroad or stay near college.
I'm happy to hear that friends that are from LA are coming back to live in the same city as me.
Friendly and familiar faces...one can always use more of those.
One friend wants to teach at a school that's directly across the street from the hospital where I was born.
Another friend is moving to the same small neighborhood that I grew up in for 18 years of my life.
Weirdness.
I guess no one else understands or feels the same weirdness that I feel now...
...knowing that people from my past are connecting with parts of my life that existed way before I met them.
It makes me proud that people I know will get to see and experience the parts of LA I that have always known all my life yet it's weird to know that they will never experience it in the way I have growing up in Los Angeles.
Oh Los Angeles!
I've always tried to find reasons or ways to leave you
but now that i've come back
i'm happy about the time we have together
however brief or bittersweet it may be =) |
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| Summers here! |
[May. 13th, 2006|08:28 pm] |
So it seems that summer is finally here! No more freezing my ass off when I go out at night! Looking foward to warm night breezes, lots of rest and relaxation, and moments of lazy idle dawdling...
I'm officially done with my first year of grad school and I can't say that it doesn't feel good to have no more papers to write for awhile. So far I know I have one A confirmed so I'm just waiting for three more grades to slowly trickle in. Hope I did well this semester too!
Thinking of what I need to do this summer. There's a lot I want to do but doubt I really will get to do them all. Here are some of my summer goals:
- make paintings
- find/take a salsa class
- make dinner for the family once a week
- clean out my closet
- plant flowers at my parent's house and watch them grow
- figure out post graduation plans
- reclaim forgetten dreams and ambitions
- be spontaneous!
Okay, and I just got distracted so this is it for now. Be back later with more thoughts =) |
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| And so it begins... |
[Apr. 20th, 2006|08:19 pm] |
So I really need to revamp this journal thing. Now that I got my sexy brand new laptop, I feel more compelled to actually just sit around my apartment and tinker with this thing. Right now, some circus is at the Shrine Auditorium across the street and PETA members were passing out flyers protesting against the circus' cruelty to animals. Another flyer I took and stuck in my purse where it is prolly all crumpled by now.
Summer is almost here. The weather is sunny and I feel more alive these days. All I want to do is spend an afternoon by a pool and chill with a friend while I work on my turn. Oh how I miss Strawberry Canyon! Why I never took advantage of that pool while I was a student, I'm not sure. Ah well...
So I was looking at a friend's blog and I saw that a high school "enemy" of mine is in town for a few weeks. I actually might see her this weekend and I'm curious how it will be when I finally see her again after all this time. I've never really been one to initiate awkward moments with people I don't like, so I wonder how she'll react when and if she sees me. I feel like so much time has passed that I can actually talk to her like a normal person. I guess I'm just curious and I'll have to wait for this Saturday night to find out.
I'm feeling restless...so need this semester to be done already! Although, I won't have much of a break this summer. I'll be working 20-30 hours a week with possibly another research or summer job on the side. Also, if I do summer school, then it'll just be like this year extended!
I'm excited to go up to Sactown for Chandara's wedding in June. First friend wedding I will have ever gone to so far! And plus, I'm sure I'll see some people from Berkeley that I haven't seen in a long time so that will definitely be intersting--both in a good and bad way. I also plan to turn that trip to a whole week event so I'll be driving around seeing ppl I haven't seen in ages. Some in sac town, some in berkeley, some in SF. Gotta plan that out soon after all this school business is done.
Okay, I need to figure out how to post up pictures....let's see here...WAIT! No wonder people never post up pics on livejournal...you have to PAY to do that. What the heck! I love facebook even more because of this. Okay, I'm out...maybe i'll switch to xanag...hmm... |
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| It's time for a lil' update |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|02:56 pm] |
As usual this update is more for me than anything else. Since I have a memory span of a goldfish, I'd like to recap on some things I've done since my last entry:
-had my first dinner meeting with Vince, ex boyfriend who broke my heart and taught me how naive I once was (a harsh but very real lesson to be learned). dinner went great and realized I don't hate him anymore. Kudos for time and yes, time can definitely heal most non-flesh wounds.
-looking into PhD programs...Dr. Kwan..has a nice ring to it. I've decided that I'm going to apply and give myself the option of going into a doctoral program right after my master's if I get accepted somewhere.
-Just came back from a week on the east coast- For spring break, i went to a conference in DC and took the chinatown bus to NY to hang out with sister and friends...Saw Mohsen and David and hung out with their banker friends---my, my, can't believe it's been two years since they graduated!
-feeling aged lately. For being 23 years old, I'm really really starting to feel myself getting older. I vow to get in shape, look into skincare products, eat less ramen (once my abundant supply has been depleted)
- currently debating over summer plans- internships? job? vacation? hmmm....
I can't believe today is just tuesday! I might be driving down to blueray's tonight after my group meeting. Apparantly, blue has to log in some massage hours for his deep tissue massage class---basically means free massage for his gf, ie- me! The downside is that I have to actually drive my ass over there. =(
Working on a culture show. Script kinda sucks but maybe i'll be able to shake off my acting bug once i'm done.
hurraH!!! Time to get off of work! |
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| So I admit it... |
[Feb. 8th, 2006|11:26 pm] |
I'm feeling very disconnected right now from people, life, things...How is it to be busy, have friends and family, a boyfriend, but still manage to feel lonely and alone? No on ever likes to admit that they feel alone or lonely but I'm sure everyone does. Do I give off the impression to people that I'm actually a party animal who's always busy or something? Someone was surprised to hear that I was feeling lonely recently. I guess when you appear to happy a lot of the times people just assume that you're always happy, but even happy people (like me) can have their slow times.
Life is a rollercoaster.
sometimes you are up, and sometimes you are down.
Right now, life is slowing down in the down part..
So I've been thinking about life a lot. I'm feeling my age and I feel so not happy about where I am at the age of 23. No longer a young and naive college student, i'm closer to being a grown up than I have ever been before. I don't feel that what I do now is making me feel alive and I have trouble figuring out what does exactly.
The cycle starts again. Peacecorps? Schooling? Working? Traveling? What is it that I'm destined to do?
I applied to some internships that would enable me to move to some place in the US for the summer. I had a phone interview yesterday for some college in Texas and afterwards, I was left thinking...am I just willing to move because I want to start over? And then I remembered how lonely and hard it was to start over.
I'm getting tired yet I don't want to sleep.
I was thinking...maybe I need a dance class? I need to feel sweat, adrenaline that doesn't involve me panicking over papers that are due the next day. It's hard to feel alive when you are stuck in front of a computer all day. How do people do that?
I miss typewriters sometimes...less strain on the eyes but requires lots of whiteout.
Okay.
tired of writing.
perhaps writing words that only I will read. |
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| I'm not Carrie... |
[Jan. 26th, 2006|01:33 pm] |
So i've been watching a lot of sex and the city recently and I meant A LOT! I'm currenlty on season 4 and now that my crush, Aiden, has left the show, I'm a little disheartened and disappointed about Carrie and the gang. I thought they were so cool in the beginning but now I'm beginning to see how fucked up those women are. I know it's just a show but they bring up a lot of things about relationships that I, and women in general, can really relate to. Anyways, I don't even know how that all came up. I've been thinking a lot recently...probably because I have way to much time on my hands with me not studying and not being challenged at work. I've been getting mad at Blueray a lot for being so indecisive and unplanned about his life. I, on the other hand, am going to school, considering summer plans, figuring out next year jobs/living situations, and contemplating doctoral programs. But am I really any more settled or better off than he is? I guess from what I've seen so far and experienced in my jobs, I really lack but crave the adrenaline that comes from a workplace. Even though being a waitress was manual work and not a highly respected position, I really enjoyed it. I felt like I was doing something with my hands and the tips I earned after each shift was a good indication of how well I did. I've also been watching project runway these days and I wonder why I never pursued art the way I always wanted to do when I was a kid. did I manage to talk myself out of it? or did I lose the drive? or did I just get sidetracked by all the other practical things I needed to do first like...get a "real" major, be involved on campus, and further my education. Although with my scholarship, it's totally logical that I should pursuie a docotral program...I wonder, is that what I really want? Or is that another waste of 3-4 years of my life doing something that I might really like, but know that I really don't want. I wonder also, do peple just say that they like their work/job so to convince others and themselves that they really enjoy it or do they actually enjoy it?
Another thought, why do people get paid for doing nothing? Graduate assistantships--talking to my collegues working in various departments, a lot of people say that they are not satisfied with their psoition. Young, smart, energetic- they are left unchallenged and disillusioned by the menial work they must do. Sure we are inexperienced but doesn't experince come with having experiences? Okay, this is all psychobabble that doesn't make sense right now but now I'm too tired to try to make sense of it all. The end. |
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